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"Old Bitch Lying on the Floor" and Other Irritating Commercials

December 8, 2016




There are some commercials that are so irritating, so outlandish, that I think they must be designed for people who are staying up way past their bedtime and have had too much to drink.  


For instance, commercials that exhibit idiots trying to clean their ears by stabbing at them with toothpicks, poor souls that cannot figure out how to open a jar with a tempermental lid, individuals who think that a pillow - a magic pillow - will solve all their sleep problems and therefore fix their lives.  A sober, wide-awake person will see through the folly of these short infomercials and stay away from their computer and credit cards at this time. 


Then there are the commercials especially designed for old people - like myself.  If you watch "The Big Valley," "Gunsmoke," "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," you will be inundated with ads for diapers, Viagra, the magic flashlight that permanently blinds burglars, and of course, the famous "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" commercials.


There is one thing I don't understand - with the exception of one sweet old lady, all of the women stuck on their floors look like they deserve it.  One in particular looks like such a bitch, if I were to go into her house and see her on the floor, I would quietly walk out.  You're on your own, I would think, let your cats eat you. And the animals eat the private parts first.  (My dad, who was a policeman and had come upon scenes like this, imparted this bit of information to me, years and years ago.) Idk why. And I know this sounds terrible, but really, these are mean looking people.  Do you think they would help you?  No.  They would probably actually step over you.  I have seen people like this, stepping over the sleeping/unconscious/on the sidewalk homeless in Chinatown.


Then there is the commercial where the old lady - like me - pretends to swoon and when she presses the button on her Alert device, all these gorgeous hunks of firefighters show up, within seconds.  People, that's not how the world works.  Again, the advertisers are counting on the inebriated.


The inebriated would not notice that these women are all dressed up, with full makeup, and their hair done to perfection.  Even the one in the tub.  I really want to know about this one.  The viewer sees no water.  What is she doing with full makeup, hanging over the side of the tub?  I know that I was afraid to get into a tub for years after seeing "Jaws."  But what the hell sort of unsavory and sketchy things was she doing in that tub with no water, sliding around like a mermaid?  


And the way they croak, "Help, help..."  Just in time for the family member to find them.  Really, talk about guilt.  Blow me off for lunch, will you, look, this is all your fault.  Look what you did to me.  I know all about the Mom guilt trip.


Another irritating commercial is where this woman with a resting bitch face challenges her poor, long-suffering husband to travel the world and ask people about their cell phone packages.  And she is always like,"I told you."  I want to smack her.  And this being Hawai'i, the first one is always free.  I could plea out and get probation.


However, there is such a thing as Karma.  I have made fun of the "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" ads for years.  Then, in 2014, I hurt my leg but the hospital - no names here - said that it wasn't broken, to suck it up.  Well, I went home and the next morning, as I was getting out of the shower, I leaned on the leg - sucking it up as instructed - and it snapped like a tree branch and threw me across the bathroom floor. There was no piteous "Help me."  I screamed. My only refuge was the toilet whose seat was mercifully down (and recently flushed).  I had no way to move without the main bone in my leg coming through the skin.  No one was home.  I was naked, alone, and afraid on the toilet. I had no way to get to a phone.  Hours went by.  My husband finally came home.  Wearing nothing but a beach towel and filled with morphine, I was then carted off in an ambulance.  The two paramedics were nice but no handsome firefighters arrived on the scene.  And no amount of morphine could make them look like that, sorry.


Now, my husband won't pay for an Alert system for me.  However, I think ahead; I keep my pets' bowls filled with food. 24/7. Might buy me some time.

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