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Sagging Harbors

February 17, 2017

Getting old has its ups and downs.  First, I will discuss the downs, because I guess I am that kind of person. 

 

Why do clothing manufacturers who cater to elderly women have label names like "Sag Harbor," and "Faded Glory" or the ubiquitous "Casual" section, like our lives are now relegated to pull-up pants and the evil twins, Poly and Ester?

 

Why do the salesgirls at Victoria's Secret have such smug smiles when they see me, and why don't they follow me around with the tape measure anymore?  And I'm not interested in the floss that they try to peddle off as underwear.  I once wore one of those to bed and that night, I dreamed I was choking!  I threw it out the next morning; I think it was possessed or something...

 

Why do the department stores have such sappy oldies music playing in the "Casual" section, why don't they have snappy ones such as "I Like My Guys Real High And My Head Down Low..." I don't care if I understand the lyrics or not, it's peppy and it makes me want to spend money.  (It's my husband's money, not mine, anyway.  And why wouldn't he want me to look nice?)

 

On the upside, I know that I am spared speeding tickets when I truly deserve them.  If I see a police officer, I place my hands on the steering wheel like they taught us in Drivers Ed and clench them very very tightly; I peer timidly through the steering wheel.  I am just not worth it to them (I had a friend in law enforcement confirm this.)  He said, "Why would I want to give a grandmother a ticket?"  I overlooked the insult but pocketed the knowledge.  I think this information has served me well on numerous occasions, too numerous to mention.

 

I have truly attained the pot of gold here in Hawai'i.  I am referred to as "Auntie," I get the best seat on the bus, and I experience deferential treatment wherever I go.  Mere mortals part as I walk through a crowded supermarket (faking a slight limp or seeming a little shaky goes quite a long way, also.)

 

These days, I get a discount whether or not I request one.  The first time this happened, I was outraged.  But - Senior Day at Ross, 10 percent off. McDonald's coffee, 93 cents.  Things just don't get any better than this. Treated like a rock star wherever I go.

 

My husband says that being old makes one invisible.  Well, put on that cloak of invisibility and get safely through speed traps, I say!  Granny's working it!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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