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A Case for Spam

December 2, 2017

 

 

                For many people, the “spam folder” in their email is sort of

 

like the junk drawer in their home; unusual and minute pieces of

 

effluviant matter end up incarcerated forever, seldom used and

 

even more seldom consulted.  Still, the spam folder and the junk

 

drawer exist in their own universe, parallel to ours.

 

                I happened to look in my spam folder the other day and I

 

also consulted its poor cousin, the “unwanted” cache of mail.  Now,

 

how would the email server know what I want and don’t want? 

 

There was very little in there.  Far more revealing and very

 

interesting, though, was my spam folder.

               

               However, I don’t think Google has done a very good job at

 

tracking my preferences and my history.  This is both reassuring

 

and disturbing. Reassuring because of privacy concerns, and

 

disturbing because of the implications of an extremely chaotic

 

world that would inspire the creation of these messages.   The very

 

first spam message was (and now keep in mind that I don’t click on

 

these messages, so I may be missing a very integral section, but I

 

don’t think so…) referenced Male Enhancement.  In fact, the product

 

claimed to be the #1 male enhancement pill in the U.S. and said

 

“Get your Exclusive Free Bo…”  The next one was from a guy named

 

Mark with a four-digit number after his name (?); he wanted to

 

follow up on an application I had supposedly submitted.  Nope. 

 

                Then there was one congratulating me “on my order

 

number that migh…” (no, no, no).  Then there was poetry; this

 

nugget stated, “This boner brew makes you a better screw if y…”  I

 

scrolled quickly past this only to come face-to-face with a message

 

from one Natalie** who wanted me to call her back; she was

 

supposedly waiting for me.  I almost ended my sojourn with the

 

sight of one that truly was clever:  “Hi,” this one started out.  “Re: 

 

Unsubscribe NOW.  To STOP receiving these emails from us, Just

 

hi…”  But I’m glad I kept going, because I wouldn’t have wanted to

 

miss the one that told me about my missing money that had just

 

been found, and also the odd fact that these messages are repeated

 

every several days.

 

                The last time I looked, Natalie ** was still waiting for me to

 

call her back, joined by her friends, Jasmine** and Amanda ** (for

 

God’s sake, what DO the asterisks mean?).  It is not too late for me to

 

send for my “medical strength formula for male virility,” and I now

 

have two new messengers, the “24/7 Pharmacy” and someone

 

called “Chiky Chiky.”  Beware of this one – very suspicious!  Also, I

 

never clicked on the ones with the Russian girls wanting to meet

 

me, exotic Latinas lining up to introduce themselves to me, and a

 

money gram hovering just beyond my grasp, encouraged by the

 

fortune teller Bertha. 

 

                There is an entire circus waiting to perform for you, just

 

inside your ubiquitous spam folder.  From the titillating “Warning:  4

 

Signs You Can’t Avoid,” to “Save Big on Toilet Paper” (probably

 

another filthy come-on).   It’s anybody’s guess what treasures these

 

and the other messages might unveil, but I know better than to click

 

on them.  Even pleadings from Bertha the fortune teller have to go

 

untouched and remain safely ensconced in the junk drawer of my

 

email.  Forever.

 

               

 

 

 

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